I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
