maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
