There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
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