3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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