Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
