It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
