I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
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so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
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Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.