she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
