i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize
