I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
