the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
a search helicopter?!
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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