forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
