It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
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