Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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