the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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