Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
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