She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
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You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
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Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Im part way to drunk.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
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