sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Randomize
