6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Randomize
