Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Randomize
