did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
