So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
