I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
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