I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Vodka?
Forever.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
