i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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