how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
