I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
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Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
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We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.