sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.