we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
splinters make it hard to masturbate
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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