she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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