i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Randomize
