How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
