stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
