His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
