god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
This house was built for laser tag.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
