Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
This house was built for laser tag.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
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