Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
