One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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