I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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