I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
