Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
