Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
