even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
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I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
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This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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