My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
