i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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