I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
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