He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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