Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
So squirting runs in the family.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
