Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Randomize
