I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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