You smell like stripper and shame
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
