Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
