I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
