i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
false alarm. still invincible.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Randomize
