so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
