How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
