I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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