I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
