Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Randomize
