the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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