you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
