the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
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