Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
