Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
