You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
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